Here is a post I started working on a while ago. My thoughts on this subject are many and varied. I have had a very difficult time attempting to present them in an organized manner. Over the past few years I observed various teenagers and their families in my attempt to learn from their teenage raising experiences. I have also read many books and articles on the subject. My life vision is to raise many children for the kingdom of God. I want to know the Biblical method for doing that. I do not want to follow the world's philosophy and foolishness. My prayer is that God would grant me the wisdom to understand His word and the grace to apply it in my (future) parenting endeavors. Without further ado, here are my current musings on the subject of raising teenagers.
Sometimes I hear things that make me stop and think (fume) for a while. Wednesday was one of those times. I had turned the radio on while I was running errands, and was listening to a Christian talk radio station. The guest on the program was discussing his book
Why Christian Kids Rebel. It didn't take me long to decide that his advise would most certainly NOT become part of my storehouse of child training wisdom. His basic premise (as I understood it), was that teenagers rebel because they have too many rules. To loosely paraphrase him,
As our kids get older, we need to become less strict. Often we do the opposite and that breeds rebellion. He claimed that teens need to be free to make mistakes so that they can learn from those mistakes and build character. Sounds good, right? Well, on the surface it does, but the implications of that belief are clearly not Biblical. In a few moments, I'll expound more on why I do not believe that philosophy lines up with the Bible, but first I'd like to share a few personal experiences.
Growing up, many people referred to my parents as being "strict, overprotective, controlling, etc." We were not allowed to do a lot of things that other Christian kids did. We didn't date, listen to any non-Christian music, go to youth camp or most youth activities, or watch television. We did have family prayer regularly, homeschool, work together on many family projects, and have regular family discussions on a wide variety of topics. I always loved being a part of my family and was grateful for the boundaries my parents set. Looking back, I wish that my parents had been more strict. My most rebellious times as a teenager were the times my parents were the least protective - the times they let me hang out with the other teens in our church youth group.
Now, many people think that if parents give teenagers rules and boundaries they are simply breeding rebellion. (Or, to put it in Biblical terms "provoking their children to wrath.") But is it really the rules that are breeding the rebellion, or are they simply revealing it? Just because you allow your child so much freedom that there are no rules to break, does not mean they are not rebelling. Teenage rebellion at its root is a rebellion against God and his standard of right of wrong. If a parent does not enforce God's standard in his home, the child may not have much to rebel against externally, but internally he may still be rebelling against God. I believe that every parent has a responsibility to both God and his child to make sure that his home is in line with the word of God. This is why I have a problem with the philosophy that parents should let their children do what they want, make mistakes and then learn from them (i.e. learn things the hard way). This is abdicating your responsibility to train your children in right and wrong and to disciple them in the truth of God's word. I do not need to get pregnant to know that I should not have premarital sex. I do not need to become addicted to drugs to learn that they can destroy your life. I do not need to wear immodest clothing to later find out that it is not pleasing to God. I do not need to listen to rock music to see the anger it can produce in my heart. I do not need to go on a date to discover that true love is not found in selfish, lustful emotional entanglement. God has set up His discipleship plan so that parents, through relationship and God-given authority, can pass on godly wisdom to their children. I admit, it can be difficult to figure out how to pass on that wisdom to your children (and get them to accept it!), but nothing good ever comes easy.
At this point, I will give my disclaimer. I most certainly do not think that rules keep a teenager from falling into sin. That would be a very naive belief. What I am saying is that rules do not cause a teenager to fall into sin and that parents should never be scared of setting a boundary for their kids. When they should terrified is when they see that they do not have a relationship with their children. Josh McDowell says it well - "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." I would modify that just a little - "Parenting without relationship leads to rebellion." I have come to the conclusion that the most important key element in parenting is having a relationship with your children.
Michael Pearl describes it as having invisible radio links between the parent and child. Parents and children should be fellowshipping together, learning together, working together, growing together - everything together, together, together! It is the Deuteronomy 6:7 principle, "And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." The parents and children are together in day-to-day life and the parents are continuously teaching the children God's law.
I realize that I probably have not addressed the specific issues that the author of the book I originally referenced was dealing with. I have not read the book and I only listened to a very small portion of his radio interview. I most likely took what he said out of context. What I hope I have done, though, is dispel the myth that parents need to "back off" when it comes to discipling their teenagers. I pray that parents would realize that their teenager children are in desperate need of their wisdom and guidance. Proverbs 13:20, "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed." Parents, become the wise man your children can walk with and then walk with them!
